My Dear ISI, I just wonder if you are not doing anything in Afghanistan, Kashmir, India, Bosnia, Chechnya, Somalia, Swat, Balochistan, FATA, Balochistan, Sindh, Rawalpindi not even Islamabad, could you please explain me what is it you are doing then?

Dear ISI,

Sabz Salam. The WikiLeaks have cast fresh doubts on your role in Afghanistan. It is true there is nothing concrete in the Afghan war logs about your alleged activities in Afghanistan. Your former boss, Hameed Gul, has unconsciously but correctly declared these leaks as ‘WickedLeaks’. He thinks WikiLeaks is nothing but a pack of lies. Since journalists in Pakistan are not in the habit of questioning the generals, hence nobody has dared ask him if WikiLeaks had played a wicked role only when it comes to the ISI or all the reports about Task Force 373, death squads, corruption, violations and atrocities are also blatant lies. I have no access to secret files. We in Pakistan are not blessed with whistleblowers either. Definitely among your ranks I do not expect anybody blowing a whistle. I, therefore, have no choice but to take the statements at face value by your spokesman when he says that the ISI is not doing anything in Afghanistan.

As I am busy writing these lines, the Kashmir valley is afire yet again. Delhi as usual has blamed your proxy militia Lashkar-i-Taiba. Despite all the repression, India has not been able to subdue Kashmir. Even Indians don’t take it seriously when their ministers blame ‘foreign hand’ for every movement in Srinagar. I am sure that the present Kashmir intifada is as indigenous as all the previous mass outpourings Srinagar has witnessed since the 1920s. However, like any Pakistani journalist and citizen, I am also witness to jihadi activities conducted by militant outfits.  Our Urdu newspapers, in particular Nawa-i-Waqt, the ultimate guardian of Pakistan’s ideology and interests, used to publish stories of burials of Punjabi-mujahideen-martyred-in-Kashmir. Honestly, I have never attended any such burial. May be all these reports were part of a sinister conspiracy to malign Pakistan. I, therefore, have no choice but to take the statements at face value by your spokesman when he says that the ISI is not doing anything in Kashmir.

Similarly, when India blamed your purported proxy Jaish-i-Muhammad for the attacks on the Red Fort and Indian parliament or for that matter pointed a finger Lashkar-i-Taiba for the Mumbai attacks, I got confused. Honestly, I felt sorry for the TV anchor spinning fantastic conspiracy theories to pin blame for orchestrating the Mumbai attacks. Your most talented Trojan Horse on Aaj TV indeed cut a sorry figure when he based all his theories upon a yellow wrist band that Ajmal Kasab wore on his left wrist. Honestly, I was not convinced by these anchors and all the theories weaved in the wake of the Mumbai attacks. However, Delhi did not provide or at least made public anything extremely convincing.   I, therefore, have no choice but to take the statements at face value by your spokesman when he says that the ISI is not doing anything in India.

Since I know the Western media is always after juicy stuff, therefore, I don’t take them seriously when they say your outreach extends as far as Bosnia, Chechnya, Dagistan, Somalia or Yemen. I, therefore, even do not have to listen to your spokesman that ISI is not doing anything in Bosnia, Chechnya, Dagistan, Somalia, or Yemen etc.

Let us talk about  the domestic front for a while. Mullah Radio ran his clandestine radio for ages. In an age when one can be traced by his or her mobile chip, it was indeed not very credible to hear that a clandestine radio could not be unearthed. Also, it was very confusing to find uncircumcised Taliban engaging our troops in fierce gun battles in Swat. Mullah Radio, his father-in-law, Taliban spokesperson Muslim Khan and TNSM cadre have been enjoying state patronage.  This outfit was reportedly encouraged by you to defend Kabul against the US invasion back in 2001. Did they collaborate with the uncircumcised Taliban?  These two theories do not gel together.  As usual, I have no evidence to substantiate the claims that the ISI was behind the Tahreek-i-Nafaz-i-Shariat-i-Muhammadi (TNSM). Hence, let us believe ISI is/was not doing anything in Swat. The same is true of the FATA.  As a matter of fact not just ordinary citizens even the Tahrkeek-i-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) people would be very confused when one day the Taliban are hailed as shining patriots and deals are cut with the TTP. The following day they are dubbed the RAW agents. In fact, situation is so scary and chaotic in the FATA, one has no choice but to confess that the ISI is not involved. Given all the conspiracies are plotted in North Waziristan to attack the military facilities; I am convinced that you are not doing anything in the FATA.  And you have nothing to do with preventing media organizations from covering the burials of the Pakistani Taliban who are ‘martyred’ in Afghanistan.

Unfortunately, the situation in Balochistan is not very promising either. Dozens of Baloch leaders have been murdered while hundreds remain missing.  Now when Iftikhar Chaudhary is back at the judicial helm, I hope the Supreme Court will take care of the missing Baloch activists.  Let us talk about the assassinations. From Akbar Bugti to Habib Jalib, blame is all the time placed at your door. We, in turn, told that shadowy Baloch militias are armed and funded by the RAW. Honestly, as a Punjabi, I am absolutely convinced about these RAW links. Despite all my doubts, one thing I can say out and loud: the ISI is not doing anything in Balochistan.  I think the MQM-RAW nexus does not even deserve a mention. It is as established a fact as Jeay Sindh being a RAW creature. All my life, I have never bought these allegations that ISI is doing any hanky-panky business in Sindh.

Forgive me for being blunt about what happened at the Lal Mosque under your nose. I find it hard to digest when I am told that the Lal Mosque imams could smuggle and stockpile all the weapons in mosque’s basement, without your knowledge. It is equally hard to dismiss the charge that you did not father the jihadis, you have never manipulated elections and had nothing to do with the washing of Benazir  Bhutto’s murder scene.  However, I am somebody always going by the book. Those alleging your role in these episodes have not provided any evidence. Therefore, I have to say the ISI has done nothing to convert  Lal Mosque into an arsenal, did not father and train jihadis and did not send water trucks to wash the scene of Benazir’s murder.

My Dear ISI, I just wonder if you are not doing anything in Afghanistan, Kashmir, India, Bosnia, Chechnya, Somalia, Swat, Balochistan, FATA, Balochistan, Sindh, Rawalpindi not even Islamabad, could you please explain me what is it you are doing then?  What justifies the salaries your officers draw every month? Are they paid to keep issuing denials? Of course, there are a lot of denials to issue.

And while you are not doing anything anywhere and the uncircumcised Taliban in broad daylight can take GHQ by storm, let me bring to your notice an email reaching my inbox every other week praising the ISI as world’s number one spy agency. This must be the RAW spreading this email as part of some larger-than-life conspiracy to implicate you in something sinister in the future. Please ask your spokesman to issue a statement disowning this email.

Adnan Farooq

Adnan Farooq did his Masters in Political Science and has worked with daily The Nation, Lahore and daily Jang, Lahore. He has also volunteered for Milieudefensie, Amsterdam. Friends of the earth, Europe, on environmental issues. He has been working with ON FILE, an Amsterdam-based publication run by journalists from all around the world. He studied Conflict Resolution at University of Amsterdam and is living in Paris. He is the editor.